Dear President Donald Trump, I've heard some rumors in the British media that you're considering a trip over to the United Kingdom.
I'm writing to tell you that you should definitely come, particularly if you want to get a nice little ego boost -- something I'm guessing you could use these days given all those so-called polls that show you're the least popular first-year president in polling history back home.
But here in Britain, it'll be different. I swear. If you come, there will be "yuge" crowds -- perhaps the largest in the history of the country. From Buckingham Palace to Trafalgar Square and from Whitehall to Westminster, they will all come out to greet you. Throngs of chanting Brits, all there for you!
(OK, maybe don't look at the signs held by the people in the crowds. Or listen to the slogans they're chanting. And keep in mind that if some really enthusiastic supporters extend their middle finger toward your motorcade or flash you the peace sign, here in Britain, those are all warm symbols of welcome. I know, I know -- the cultural differences are so interesting. It took a while for me to get used to it when I moved to the UK from the US, too.)
Brits haven't always been on your side, I'll admit. Before the election last year -- the one that you have called a "landslide" victory despite the fact that about 3 million more people voted for your opponent -- one fake poll over here suggested that only 15% of the British public would vote for you if they had the chance, compared with 64% for Hillary Clinton. Of course, 21% said they were undecided because they didn't know enough.
Boy, have you won them over since then.
In June, three cowardly terrorists killed eight people in the London Bridge attack. But thankfully, you showed how much you cared. So as President of the United States, you weighed in with your thoughts right away.
As paramedics were working to save lives and first responders were still at the scene, you bravely brushed aside political correctness and facts, using the terror attack to tweet out a renewed call for your (definitely not a Muslim) travel ban -- despite the fact the attackers were believed to be British, Moroccan and Italian and therefore may not have been subject to the proposed ban anyway.
And then, of course, it was great how seven minutes later, you realized that it was probably a good idea to say something nice, so you added as a Twitter afterthought: "WE ARE WITH YOU. GOD BLESS!" That was a really nice touch. I know everyone in Britain appreciated it.
But for the doubters or haters who still thought you were being a political opportunist with your tweets, you sure showed them.
London Mayor Sadiq Khan had the gall to tell people the following day that "Londoners will see an increased police presence today and over the course of the next few days -- no reason to be alarmed." As Khan, mayor of the largest city in America's most important ally, was trying to reassure the public, you put him in his place by tweeting: "At least 7 dead and 48 wounded in terror attack and Mayor of London says there is "no reason to be alarmed!"
Context is for losers. Courtesy to allies shows weakness. Right?
Brits -- and especially Londoners -- remember that moment, and they'll make sure they show you how much it meant to them if you come visit.
But perhaps the best reason of all for you to come visit is an opportunity to see your new favorite Brit, Jayda Fransen. If you've forgotten, she's the leader of the neo-fascist hate group Britain First that you retweeted three times a little over a week and a half ago. Of all the people in the world, you picked her and gave her a platform, bringing her into the political mainstream.
Sure, some of her videos were fake, and sure, she's been arrested for inciting religious hatred.
But on the other hand, she loves you so I'm sure you'd love her. You should definitely come visit so you can have a photo-op together.
OK, I'll admit those tweets sort of incited a diplomatic incident in which Prime Minister Theresa May had to call you "wrong" for spreading hateful messages that are antithetical to British values.
But again, you showed her. First, you tweeted @theresamay, a British woman named Theresa Scrivener who had six followers. But nobody can get one past The Donald, so you quickly tweeted at the Prime Minister: "Don't focus on me, focus on the destructive Radical Islamic Terrorism that is taking place within the United Kingdom. We are doing just fine!"
Anyway, when people try to cite "surveys" that show 79% of Brits had confidence in Barack Obama's global leadership, compared with just 22% who have confidence in yours, don't believe the haters.
Just come to Britain. You'll love it. And it'll be great for your ego.